i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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