I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
YAS. BRING CRAB.
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