I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
