my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
