Taylor Swift is so right about you.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
