so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
