I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Randomize
