Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
