i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
