im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Randomize
