why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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