I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked