Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
