pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Randomize
