i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
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We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
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OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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