two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Randomize
