I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
