Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
Randomize
