i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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