I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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