I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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