If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
