Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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