How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
