Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
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It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
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I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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