Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
