defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
