so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
