I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I'm just crazy horny about you
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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