made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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