there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
