Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
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