before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
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