I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
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I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
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Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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