I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Randomize
