Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
