Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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