Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Randomize
