Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
