I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
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His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
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