he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
