Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
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