easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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