He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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