you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Randomize
