Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
