i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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