My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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