What did we do last night that was yellow?
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
