I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
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I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
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For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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