i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
