How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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