i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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