don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
