K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
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I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
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Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway