It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Did we literally take a cab across the street
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
My vagina is officially offended.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp