I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
