I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
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